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[转帖]馒头血案官司之终结篇

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发表于 2006-2-24 10:09:00 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
馒头血案官司之终结篇

醉眼看沙 发表于 2006-2-24 8:42:00
 
(实在不想再吃馒头了,但是瘾上来了,看到这么好的馒头又流口水,自己流口水又不甘心,所以也想让大家一起跟我流口水,吃馒头。不过我可不希望在全国掀起吃馒头的风暴啊。大家耐着性子吃个馒头吧,也是四维空间的最后一个馒头啦!)

作者:暂无法查证(谁写谁知道) 来源:互联网

一个《馒头血案》引发的馒头官司

时间:雪国时间2006年2月19日

地点:雪国顶尖人民法院

直播:雪国最高电视台

原告:陈凯歌

被告:胡戈

上午九点整,相关人员均已到场,庭审正式开始。

法官:大家瞅啥啥不对,今天就开庭审会,凯歌诉胡戈,啥也不用说,现在开庭!请原告陈凯歌申诉。

陈凯歌:本人大手笔制作的商业巨片《无极》在全国上映后,被告却无耻至极,恶搞我《无极》,并大肆在网络上传播,他不仅侵犯了我的著作权,还侵犯了我的名誉权,那是相当,相当的厉害。为什么受伤的总是我,请大人明断!

法官:原告虽然作为国际知名大导演,但三年才吭哧出一部片子,实在是相当不容易啊,被告你为什么还要搞他呢?

胡戈:(无奈状)首先,我相当敬佩陈老师,他在我国电影诞生100周年的时候适时地为我们奉上了《无极》这部大片,可谓无极100,满意100,我本无意恶搞,只是想让更多的人知道这部精美的大片,去观看无极,毕竟古人曰:心有多大,上座率就有多高啊!

法官:被告作为年轻后生,年轻有为啊。由此说来,胡戈做的《馒头血案》并非出于恶意,而且还是帮助原告提高上座率的,原告你为什么还要起诉他呢?

陈凯歌:我确定他就是那一只披着羊皮的狼,而我是他的猎物是他嘴里的羔羊,我抛弃同伴独自流浪,就是不愿别人把我分享。被告无聊又无耻,歪解我的电影,我的电影本来是一部精美的商业大片,未来生活可以更美好的,但他却给我改成了刑侦片。最近一段时间,雪国公安部门不停传唤我去做笔录,录口供,折腾得我腰酸背痛腿抽筋,上楼都没劲儿了,吃嘛嘛不香!

法官:原告所述属于自身缺钙表现及不刷牙所引起的,与本案无关,请原告不要跑题。

陈凯歌:法官大人,被告恶意改编我的电影,让广大观众对我的智商产生了怀疑,这不是贬损我吗?走在大街上,人们都叫我“凯子”!

法官:凯歌变凯子,凯歌很生气,后果很严重,被告你怎么解释?

胡戈:我真的无意让陈大导演成为陈大凯子,改编这个电影无非是觉得它太生涩,难懂,我想让大家从另一个角度去理解什么是无极。

法官:原告凯子,哦,不对,是凯歌,你的电影确实很难懂,被告改编只是让大家更于容易理解啊。

陈凯歌:法官大人,他将我电影里的人物任意篡改,光明大将军变成了城管小队长,这不但侵我的权,而且还是对光明大将军光辉形象的诋毁。请光明大将军出庭!

法官:带证人,真田小队长!

凯歌(急):不是真田小队长,是光明大将军!

法官:不都一样嘛,反正都是一个人。

(真田小队长出庭)

法官:证人真田,你确实由光明大将军变成城管小队长了吗?你所说的一切都将作为呈堂证供,请如实讲来。

证人真田:我在《无极》里确实是扮演光明大将军,威风八面,合同也是这么签的。但在拍摄期间,有大量群众围观,没我戏的时候,导演就让我带领一批人帮助维持秩序,清理违章占道,赶走无证摊贩,没收他们的东西,陈导演一直跟我说,经费紧张,让我理解一下。但我作为光明大将军,却一直履行的是城管小队长的职责。(流泪,掏出厚厚的笔记本)三年里,我共纠正违章占道1807人次,驱赶无证摊贩6453人次,查抄羊肉串炉具671套,烤白薯炉子538套,没收馒头1425麻袋……

法官:原告陈凯歌,你声称耗资三个亿的大制作,怎么还有这样的事情?

陈凯歌:这是人尽其职,我是把钱用在刀刃上。

证人真田(痛苦流涕):你不是把钱用在刀刃上,你是把人放在刀刃上!

陈凯歌:法官大人,一个人的说法不能代表全部,我还有证人,就是电影里的王,被告将堂堂的一个王,居然改成了讨薪的农民工,实属超级无耻,我强烈要求王出庭!

法官:带证人王!

(王出庭)

法官:王,请你说明,你是否因讨薪而有要跳楼的行为?

王(抽泣):我在电影里确实是王,但戏很少,所以工钱就一直不给我。陈导不是没钱,我曾听他们私下说:拍电影就是不求最好,但求最贵!三年了,陈导只给我们吃没收来的烤白薯和馒头,羊肉串他都自己吃了。我敢怒不敢言,我知道,这是他的地盘他做主。最后,我实在没钱回家过年,才爬上楼向陈导要工钱的,我是被逼的。

法官:被告陈凯歌,你还有何话说?你口口声声对大家说:跟着你,有肉吃。但为什么只给人家烤白薯和馒头吃,还要拖欠人家工钱呢?中央三令五申,禁止拖欠农民工工资,你难道不知道吗?

陈凯歌:法官大人,请最后一个证人奴隶昆仑出庭!

法官:带证人昆仑!

(昆仑出庭)

法官:昆仑,你还有哪些证据,可为原告辩护?

昆仑(哽咽着):陈导演确实经常对我们说:跟着他,有肉吃,跟着他,有肉吃。而且还许诺,想唱就唱,想吃就吃。可是我被欺骗了,你知道作为奴隶,要不停地跑,这是多大的体力消耗啊,很需要营养的,但平日里上顿白薯就馒头,下顿馒头就白薯。想想人家刘翔吃什么,我吃什么啊(痛哭)。其实不是没吃的,那些拍戏用的牦牛,最后都被陈导他们吃了,我连根牛毛都没见着。不但这样,陈导还威胁我们说,如果有记者采访,就说:农夫馒头有点甜。三年的辛苦工作,换来的报酬却只有一双逃命牌运动草鞋。

法官:被告,俗话说:大家好,才是真的好!你却这样对待演员,你是怎样构建和谐剧组的?

陈凯歌:省点钱,我主要是为了冲击奥斯卡,得了奥斯卡大奖,他们身价倍增,就什么都有了。

法官:原告,你还是不要给雪国人丢脸了。

陈凯歌:法官大人,我的这部片子拍出后,有人产生了嫉妒,并蓄意剪辑,恶意攻击我们,请法官大人一定要挖出背后的黑手!

法官:被告胡戈,针对原告所述,你有何解释?

胡戈:《馒头血案》只是我个人所为,纯属练剪刀。因为我妈平时爱剪纸,我也很想学,我妈说,要想学剪纸,先得从剪电影开始,我就买了一把陈麻子剪刀,据说谁用谁知道,很好使。我就练了一下剪刀而已,结果让我很高兴,因为,我能!我能!我能!

法官:原来,被告胡戈只是为了学习剪纸,练剪刀而已,原告你还有什么话说?

陈凯歌:法官大人,不管怎么说,我要他赔偿!这个事件已经让我的名誉受到了严重的损害,使大批的粉丝离我而去,我损失多多!

法官:自行车?要啥自行车?

陈凯歌:由于我父亲在农村老家一直以卖馒头为生,现在人们听说,馒头能要人命,都不吃了。我老爸从此下岗在家,面对堆积的馒头整天哎声叹气。所以,综上所述,我要求被告赔偿我精神损失费8888888雪里红元,误工费666666雪里红元,智商医疗费999999雪里红元,馒头损失5555雪里红元!(趁他人不注意,在桌下拿出红包示意给法官)

法官(咳嗽):今天庭审不收礼,收礼只收大馒头!公说公有理,婆说婆有理,到底谁有理,反正都是为自己。现场以及电视机前的观众快快拿起你们的手机,参加我们的竞猜,他们到底输谁赢,移动用户发1234,联通和小灵通用户发4321。现在休庭!

陈凯歌(痛哭):法官大人,一定要为我做主啊!

(十五分钟后,重新开庭)

法官:全体起立!根据“他好,我也好,大家好才是真的好”的原则,经本院大法,二法,三法多位法官无法无天地商议,现决定判决如下:被告胡戈虽然改编了原告陈凯歌的电影,但在主观上并无恶意,因此驳回原告陈凯歌的赔偿要求。这桩因为馒头引发的官司,还以馒头作为结束。判决被告胡戈赔偿原告陈凯歌一个馒头,一定要选最好的师傅,用最昂贵的面料,什么白面,黑面,豆面,能用的都给他用上,并且中间一定要带红点的,馒头周围再刻点花儿,特像给死人上供的那种,平时甭管有事没事,都叼着一个,见了别人就跟人家说:农夫馒头有点甜!因此,胡戈你做馒头的口号就是,不求最好,但求最硬


沙发
发表于 2006-2-24 10:51:00 | 只看该作者
看过这部片子没有?实在是被改的太搞笑了,我看了后肠子都快笑抽筋了.哈哈哈哈哈~~~
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地板
发表于 2006-2-24 14:34:00 | 只看该作者
还没看,哪里有下?
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下水道
发表于 2006-2-24 15:33:00 | 只看该作者
贴个地址出来吧
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5
发表于 2006-2-24 21:16:00 | 只看该作者
陈大导演也真是的,好的让人捧捧,不好的就不让人调侃了。
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6
发表于 2006-2-27 17:40:00 | 只看该作者
为了让丫去澳死卡拿小人俺昨天花了一整天时间把下面的翻译成了英文:

一个小小的馒头引发出一场惊天血案,本该是天真无邪的儿童,却因为一件小事造成了人性的扭曲,是什么使他的心理承受能力如此脆弱。公安特警奉命抓捕犯罪嫌疑人,但却始终未能完成任务,这又是为什么?案情扑朔迷离,真相直到最后一刻才大白于天下,敬请收看《法制在线》2005年终特别版:《一个馒头引发的血案》
A Terrifying Murder Caused by a Steamed Bread
Shoulding be an innocent child originally, but resulting in because of a small matter human nature of distortion, is what make his mental state acceptance ability thus flimsiness.Security police official especially the  receive order to grasp to catch to commit crime suspect person, but can not complete mission always, this again is why? The details of case is whirling, the true facts keeps till the last a moment just greatly white in world, watch please 《the legal on-line 》2005 year-end special version: <<A Terrifying Murder Caused by a Steamed Bread>>


2005年某年某月,某市发生了一场离奇的命案,一位蒙面骑士在光天化日众目睽睽之下,杀死了圆环套圆环娱乐城总经理王某,这就是案发所在地,由于地处偏远,人烟稀少,因此改娱乐城常年亏损,连员工工资都发不出。当时的情况非常复杂,画面中这位女子是王经理的妻子——张倾城,她是圆环套圆环娱乐城里一位著名的服装模特,平时的工作就是不停的穿衣服和脱衣服。当时,两人不知何故站在楼顶,据知情人透露,两个人是由于两个多月没有领到工资,才爬到楼顶以跳楼为要挟,索要工钱。“中央已经三令五申不能拖欠农民工工资,可是我还是没有拿到我的工钱。”但后来两人因为感情问题发生口角,两人追打起来。“我杀了你!”而地下张倾城的fans看到他们的偶像受辱,纷纷将丑鸡蛋等物扔向王某,王某一怒之下,拔出早已准备好的西瓜刀向他妻子挥舞。就在这危机关头,一位神秘的蒙面骑马者出现了。他向王某扔出一把西瓜刀,刺中了王某,王某倒地,据法医鉴定,王某当时就已经身亡。
Some day in 2005 some month, the some city took place an odd homicide case, a received noodles, the knight thed eyes of the masses are fixed on in the in broad daylight under, killed a circle the wreath set the Double Circle Club general manager Mr WANG, this be the case hair located, was secluded because of the ground, the signs of human being was rarely seen, so changed the amusement city a year to often loss in business, even employee's wageseses all coulded not deliver.The then circumstance is very complicated, this woman is manager Mr WANG's wife-ZHANG QING CHENG in the appearance,she is the clothing model of the Double Circle Club especially, the work at ordinary times is continuously to wear the clothes and undressing to take.At that time, two people stood on the building crest somehow, according to knew what happened a person to reveal, two persons were because more than two months got to the wages, just climbing to the building crest to take jump off a building as to coerce, the wanted wages.Our government already emphasize many times can't bear debt the farmer work wages, but I still didn't get hold of my wages."But afterwards two people because of the affection problem occurrence quarre. Two people makes track for to beat."I killed you!"But underground ZHANG QING CHENG's fans see their idol humiliate, throwing ugly egg etc. thing toward Mr Wang in succession, Mr Wang  under, pull out to ready to already of the watermelon knife brandishes toward his wife.In this crisis juncture, received noodles to ride MA ZHE to appear mysteriously.He flings out a watermelon knife toward Mr Wang, stabbing to win Mr Wang, Mr Wang fall on the ground, authenticating according to the legal medical expert, Mr Wang has already die at that time.

根据现场的监控录像,公安干警们发现了一个奇怪的现象,当时这位骑马者进入娱乐城中时,人们纷纷给他让道,这说明人们都很熟悉这匹马和他的这身服装。而根据群众举报,这匹马和这身服装正是该市城管队真田小队长的。“你们这些无证商贩,都给我听着,以后不准在这里摆摊!”真田小队长原是日本人,为了向中国人民谢罪,他义无反顾投靠了中国,2004年,作为城管队队员,他只身一人大破无证商贩基地,你现在看到的,就是当时的一些精彩画面。从此,他扬名天下,并且荣升小队长一职。

一个外国人,毫无利己的动机,把中国人民的建设事业当作他自己的事业,这是什么精神?难道这位深明大义的国际友人,与本案有什么关联吗?

公安干警准备派出著名的谈判专家,陈满神,与真田小队长进行直接对话。陈满神是一位颇受争议的人物,一方面是因为她知识丰富,几乎无所不知无所不晓,但另一方面,她总是以荣华富贵来引诱未成年的小女孩。“孩子,他将给你天下最好吃的东西,最完美的衣服,你愿意吗?”“我愿意”,就这样,陈满神以物质享受为诱饵,引诱未成年人放弃读书和学习,不仅如此,陈满神还总是在别人丢失东西的时候,幸灾乐祸的告诉别人:以后你会失去更多。“你会失去更多,直到你失去鲜花盔甲,变得一无所有。”这种向别人伤口撒盐的行为令许多人厌恶。

经过谈判专家与真田小队长的彻夜长谈,警方终于了解到,那位蒙面骑士原来是真田小队长的助手,他的名字叫张昆仑。案情取得了重大突破,本案终于有了犯罪嫌疑人张昆仑,可是当公安干警决定对张昆仑实施抓捕时,却遇到了重大难题。

公安干警遇到了重大难题,是抓还是不抓?
请继续收看……
Record image according to the supervision of the spot, security police official's stem discovered a strange phenomenon, this rode MA ZHE into the amusement city China Times at that time, people let a way for him in succession, this this body clothing that explained people all acquainted with this horse very much with him.But raise a report according to the crowd, this horse and this body clot body clothing are exactly what the city's city tube brigade true farmland squad grows."You these have no certificate monger, all letting me hear, hereafter prohibit to put a stand here!"The true farmland squad is long originally Japanese, for thanking offense toward the Chinese people, he proceeded without hesitation to go and live with China, 2004 Be a city tube brigade member of team, he alone one person breaks to have no the certificate monger base greatly, you see now of, be a little bit the then fascinating  arance.From now on, he is world famous, and the glory rise squad to grow one job.Record image according to the supervision of the spot, security police official's stem discovered a strange phenomenon, this rode MA ZHE into the amusement city China Times at that time, people let a way for him in succession, this this body clothing that explained people all acquainted with this horse very much with him.But raise a report
according to the crowd, this horse and this body clothing are exactly what the city's city tube brigade true farmland squad grows."You these have no certificate monger, all letting me hear, hereafter prohibit to put a stand here!"The true farmland squad is long originally Japanese, for thanking offense toward the Chinese people, he proceeded without hesitation to go and live with China, 2004 Be a city tube brigade member of team, he alone one person breaks to have no the certificate monger base greatly, you see now of, be a little bit the then fascinating appearance.From now on, he is world famous, and the glory rise squad to grow one job.
A foreigner, have no to benefit oneself of motive, regard as his own business to the construction business of the Chinese people, what spirit is this?Difficult way the international friend of this deep clear and big righteousness, have with this case what connection?The public security official's dry prepares a negotiation expert who send , CHEN MAN SHEN, make progress with true farmland squad to go direct dialogue.CHEN MAN SHEN is a person that is subjected to a controversy rather, on the other hand is because of her is well-informed, almost omniscient have not , but on the other hand, she always lures the little girl of the nonage with the glory honor and riches."Kid, he will give you world best" kid, he will give you world the most delicious thing, the most perfect clothes, you would like to?""I would like to", so, CHEN MAN SHEN with the material enjoy for bait, lure a nonage to give up studying and study, not only such, CHEN MAN SHEN still always at the other people throw to lose thing of time, the ill-wisher tells other people:You will lose hereafter more."You will lose more, until you lose the fresh flowers helmet, become very poor."This kind of to other people the behavior of the wound  salt make many persons disgust.
Through negotiation the expert grows with true farmland squad of grow to talk all night, the police understands finally to, that receives noodles a knight is the assistant whom the originally true farmland squad grow, his name is ZHANG KUN LUN.The details of case obtained a graveness breakthrough, this case finally committed crime suspect person ZHANG KUN LUN, but be a public security official dry when the decide to grasp to catch to ZHANG KUN LUN's implement, but meet an important hard nut to crack.
Did the security police official's dry meet an important hard nut to crack, arrest him or not?
Please continue to watch ……
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